Today I decided to read some of my old posts and I got sick. They're all about him. I think it's enough already, I don't want to write about him anymore. I'd rather write about some red rose that I found on the street, but I never found one. So I just write about him. Enough already.

I'M SO FUCKING HIGH!

Just stuff

Just close your eyes
And think for awhile
Remember all the things
That ever made you smile

Remember the feeling
Of the rain in your face
Forget about the past
And find that little place

Where dreams come true
And you can be just you
Without judgments of people
Who can’t understand you

I'm tired

Today was so fucked up. I spent the entire day with him and his perfect girlfriend. Yes, she's perfect. She's skinny, she's pretty, she's smart, she sings, she's cute, she's everything. Why do I keep asking why he doesn't love me? It's obvious, isn't it? She's everything I'm not. There's the answer. And I'm tired. I'm tired of this pain. I love him since I know him. That was 4 years ago. 4 years is a lot of time. And I'm tired. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being her friend, because that's not enough. Not for me. I want more. I want him. I want to kiss his head, touch his ears and tell him "I love you" knowing that he feels the same way. I know that will never happen, but I still can't forget him. He's so perfect. At least for me. Even his flaws are beautiful. I love everything about him, literally, but I'm so tired of this... I really am. I'm tired of pretending I'm fine. I'm tired of pretending I don't love him. I'm tired.

Just random dreams

Last night I dreamed with him again. I don't know where we were, but there were a lot of grass and trees, and there was a big abism. I was about to fall from it when suddenly he pulled me up with all his heart. He hugged me and cried, while whispering "I can't lose you". Then we kissed for a long time and sat down against a tree, just hugging and talking. I was happy for the first time in a while. The next thing I know, I was getting ready to school. My nightmare started in the second I opened my eyes.

Paramore - Pressure

"Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
And feel empty again

'Cause I fear I might break
And I fear I can't take it
Tonight I'll lie awake
Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now"

(...)

So many fucking lies!

No. No, I'm not strong. I'm not going to get over this. I'm not going to forget this. This will not get better with time. I'm not going to find my "true love". I'm not going to be happy. Please, stop lying to me... Please!

Shit

2011 was a fucking bitch to me. Besides the fact that my grandmother died, my parents found out that I smoke and freaked out and my grades were the lowest ever, it was a normal year. Actually, a lot more shitty things happened, I just don't want to talk about them. I can't stand classes. I can't stand my classmates. I can't stand my teachers. I can't stand anything! I missed 2 classes today, and I made my best friend miss them too, just because I couldn't go. We just stood there, in front of the school, talking and listening to some music. And at home things aren't better. I would really enjoy having good grades and having a good relationship with my mother, but I can't study. I just can't. I grab a book, read two lines and start to think about something else. And I try really hard to stay concentrated, but I just can't. Oh, fuck this shit.

Smile

- Hey you!
- Me?
- Yeah, you! Hi... Can you tell me something, please?
- I guess...
- Do I look happy?
- Hum... I don't know you...
- Yes, but do I look happy? Just answer, yes or no?
- Well, yes...
- Thank you. Have a nice day.

It's amazing the amount of shit that a little smile can hide. What a beautiful way of lying!

2012

New year expectations:

- Lose weight;
- Improve my grades.

New year impossible dream:

- Having the person I love loving me back.